Ok so..

I'm just going to put my brain on this page so I can kinda get a picture of these scrambled thoughts. Ok! So I don't know whether to stay in Darwin or move back to Christchurch, if I stay here I'm going to continue schoo and my job. maybe try my luck at modelling (I doubt anyone would want me, especially with my weight and height but maybe my hair will get me some work haha) and being an odd extra in a movie every known and then but ultimately go to uni and study fine arts. (along with this, miss everyone and be sad) or in Christchurch, I'll hopefully go to Hagley, get a job, move into my sleep out and avoid contact with my dad as much as possible... Maybe try getting a tattoo apprenticeship? And after school, study fine arts at uni. (maybe not do as well but be with everyone and be happy) Can I just say that I love my mum to bits, last night we went and camped out, watched the stars, smoked and drank vodka. But I just don't feel at home here in Darwin. I have a finalised design I think for the tattoo I want when I go back to NZ in July! Super excited, I have lots of other tattoo ideas too but they can wait. What do I do?

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay and I thought i was okay, I don't know how people could see my saddness before I felt it, I'm numb and so confused. im not fine. I'm not okay. Please help me, just finally cracking. splitting down the middle again, fuck you for making me choose between one shut hole and the next.

a ghostpit is where I put my negative thoughts and ideas, Vince The Skeleton is the keeper of my ghost pit.

:(

mum's left me again, I want to go home.

:(

oh god, I don't know what to write, I'm so confused.
Ok, so mum has this boyfriend who i'm yet to meet and he just got back from a trip and they haven't seen each other in ages, and she's talking on the phone to him so I was like GO OVER THERE and she was like blah blah, can I? to Bruce etc, she gets off the phone and asks me to make sure that's okay and stuff (I didn't realise she meant for the night, I thought she meant just go over there for a bit) so I was like oh yeah! ...wait, I didn't really move countries to have to leave me. (I've never stayed anywhere completely alone before, I get really bad anxiety and I know no one in this city) she tells him on the phone blah blah, I feel really bad already because I'm ruining seeing her boyfriend, then she comes out of her room crying because they ended it, he doesn't want to come between my mum and I but then mum starts being real weird when i'm like just go! I'll be okay, saying stuff like "I'm a person too ya know, I have feelings. I thought you were more mature than this, apparently not." but i'm just like mum, please just go. But she keeps saying stuff like "you've changed, I don't even know you anymore" and i'm just crying being so confused, like where the fuck has this come from? then she tells me that me crying is just pathetic and goes on, "I was so stupid to think I could of ever had a relationship" she kept contradicting herself by being like "I thought you were starting to act your age" then being like "you're only 15" and then being like "It isn't your fault" but then implying that it is all my fault and saying stuff like "I had never been that happy!" and i'm just like ?!?! and she was so angry at me and I just don't know what i'm feeling. In the end I pretty much forced her to go to his house and make everything okay because she'll never think of me the same. I'm so alone here and I just want to go home. I'm now sitting in the dark by myself in a hotel feeling the most upset i've ever felt and I just want my home.

:/

I'm full on freaking out, I don't know if I can do this. I just want there to be someone other than my mum who will be there with me, I'm going to be so alone for ages, I hate missing people and I miss everyone already :( Darwin is so far away, oh god. And starting a new school, can I do this? I don't know :( I can't stay here though. I'm just thinking, I go there for two years, work really hard at school, come back here every six months or so, after the two years move to Wellington and work for a year then go to uni and study fine arts. But I'm so scared of everything, can someone just hold me.

>:(

Grr, mum posting pictures of her smoking on facebook, I really don't want to be around her if she's started smoking again. I hate her when she's drunk, I hate how she's up most the night and I really don't like her boyfriend AGHVFDTYSH I hope I don't regret moving. 10 days to go.