^_^

I like the way you kiss me everywhere. I like it when you know I'm awake so you kiss my shoulder and neck until I turn to you and see your smiley face. I like the way you lick my face to make me laugh. I like the way you try distract me when I'm on the phone. I like the way you look at me. I like the way your hand fits across my stomach. I like the way you run your hands along my ribs and tell me that I'm tiny. I like the way you roll your eyes when I say something stupid. I like how we get on so well. I like how smart you are. I like how you're so big and how you can just throw me around. I like it when I hug you and just get lost in your chest and arms afgyuwjedfhdgyawsjk. I like the way you run your hands along my thighs, stomach and chest. I like it when I get too tired you just kiss my neck and whisper in my ear. I like going for midnight skates with you. I love your bright blue eyes. I like the way your stubble tickles my thighs. I like how we can't spoon because you're too tall but we still fit together nicely. I like how genuine and kind you are. I like how secretly you're just a big sweetheart. I like you. I don't plan on ever telling you any of this though, I'm scared of what you'd have to say. but argeudjrfthedu please be mine.

Everything sucks

Everything sucks & it's cold

tea and jesus

Ok so mum's being a dumb slut, I'm in chch and I like living here with my dad, I just need a job and to get into a school but that's okay. we just make cups of tea for each other and have debates about jesus.

Ok so..

I'm just going to put my brain on this page so I can kinda get a picture of these scrambled thoughts. Ok! So I don't know whether to stay in Darwin or move back to Christchurch, if I stay here I'm going to continue schoo and my job. maybe try my luck at modelling (I doubt anyone would want me, especially with my weight and height but maybe my hair will get me some work haha) and being an odd extra in a movie every known and then but ultimately go to uni and study fine arts. (along with this, miss everyone and be sad) or in Christchurch, I'll hopefully go to Hagley, get a job, move into my sleep out and avoid contact with my dad as much as possible... Maybe try getting a tattoo apprenticeship? And after school, study fine arts at uni. (maybe not do as well but be with everyone and be happy) Can I just say that I love my mum to bits, last night we went and camped out, watched the stars, smoked and drank vodka. But I just don't feel at home here in Darwin. I have a finalised design I think for the tattoo I want when I go back to NZ in July! Super excited, I have lots of other tattoo ideas too but they can wait. What do I do?

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay and I thought i was okay, I don't know how people could see my saddness before I felt it, I'm numb and so confused. im not fine. I'm not okay. Please help me, just finally cracking. splitting down the middle again, fuck you for making me choose between one shut hole and the next.

a ghostpit is where I put my negative thoughts and ideas, Vince The Skeleton is the keeper of my ghost pit.

:(

mum's left me again, I want to go home.

:(

oh god, I don't know what to write, I'm so confused.
Ok, so mum has this boyfriend who i'm yet to meet and he just got back from a trip and they haven't seen each other in ages, and she's talking on the phone to him so I was like GO OVER THERE and she was like blah blah, can I? to Bruce etc, she gets off the phone and asks me to make sure that's okay and stuff (I didn't realise she meant for the night, I thought she meant just go over there for a bit) so I was like oh yeah! ...wait, I didn't really move countries to have to leave me. (I've never stayed anywhere completely alone before, I get really bad anxiety and I know no one in this city) she tells him on the phone blah blah, I feel really bad already because I'm ruining seeing her boyfriend, then she comes out of her room crying because they ended it, he doesn't want to come between my mum and I but then mum starts being real weird when i'm like just go! I'll be okay, saying stuff like "I'm a person too ya know, I have feelings. I thought you were more mature than this, apparently not." but i'm just like mum, please just go. But she keeps saying stuff like "you've changed, I don't even know you anymore" and i'm just crying being so confused, like where the fuck has this come from? then she tells me that me crying is just pathetic and goes on, "I was so stupid to think I could of ever had a relationship" she kept contradicting herself by being like "I thought you were starting to act your age" then being like "you're only 15" and then being like "It isn't your fault" but then implying that it is all my fault and saying stuff like "I had never been that happy!" and i'm just like ?!?! and she was so angry at me and I just don't know what i'm feeling. In the end I pretty much forced her to go to his house and make everything okay because she'll never think of me the same. I'm so alone here and I just want to go home. I'm now sitting in the dark by myself in a hotel feeling the most upset i've ever felt and I just want my home.

:/

I'm full on freaking out, I don't know if I can do this. I just want there to be someone other than my mum who will be there with me, I'm going to be so alone for ages, I hate missing people and I miss everyone already :( Darwin is so far away, oh god. And starting a new school, can I do this? I don't know :( I can't stay here though. I'm just thinking, I go there for two years, work really hard at school, come back here every six months or so, after the two years move to Wellington and work for a year then go to uni and study fine arts. But I'm so scared of everything, can someone just hold me.

>:(

Grr, mum posting pictures of her smoking on facebook, I really don't want to be around her if she's started smoking again. I hate her when she's drunk, I hate how she's up most the night and I really don't like her boyfriend AGHVFDTYSH I hope I don't regret moving. 10 days to go.

:(

Whenever I get in the shit I delete like everything (tumblr, formspring etc.) SO MAD

:(

Last night my (best) friend (Zoe) had like 10 gunnies in the space of an hour and one didn't even have water it in, fuck that. Anyway, poor girl was not in a good way and I was at a party with all these sexy boys but I had to go off and sit with her on the street, she was really down and she told me she's going to miss me heaps and, "you always hear about other peoples best friends moving away, but I never thought mine would" and she held my hand and told me she loved me, awwh :( if I EVER do anything to Zoe that's slightly emotional, say if I was like "awwh Zoe, you're the best" she'd be like ew..you dyke, stop talking, so this was so weird. Zoe never expresses sadness, she hardly ever is, she's so chill and nothing really bothers her. I'm going to miss Zoe so much :( I didn't think she really cared but now I know that she does, it's going to be so hard leaving her. We've grown up together and we've been through everything :(

:(

I just want to be attractive, HOW DOES ONE BE ATTRACTIVE. I look at other girls and they're skinny, tan and have straight hair, I am none of those and argh :( I just want a boyfriend waaaah, girl problems~~~

:)

Everything's working out pretty good, I'm so sick of my brother and my dad, this sounds horrible but I don't mind leaving them (which is good, it's better than me not wanting to go) i'm fucking so sick of everyone in my friend group too (except, Kimmi, Penny, Nico and Danster of course) and don't even get me started on Christchurch. I'm sooooo ready to start a new life :) wooooop

Mother Nature's quite a Lady
But you're the one I need
Flesh And Blood need Flesh And Blood
And you're the one I need.

-Over everything in my last post-
When I get to Darwin I'm going to apply for heapsa jobs, hopefully get into a school haha, learn to drive and err' day when my mum goes to work (6am) go for a jog! and keep up being vegan.
Excited :) Mum said I can come back like every school holidays, but to be honest I don't think I'd want to. (26 hours of travelling just for a few days and to come back to shitty Christchurch, nty. I think I'm going to meet my dad in the sunshine coast etc every known and then) SO EXCITED.

Ahh everything just fucked up. I don't want to go to Darwin, my mum's changed so much and I feel so fucking destroyed and like no one wants me.

My room

Buddha

Dream catcher

Tibetan prayer flags

Bed

Candles

Penny

This photo is so faded, but it's of Zoe and I at a teddy bear picnic when we were about 10.

:(

I feel so used.

argh

I can't be around people any more, I never feel like talking. I could go be around annoying drunk people tonight and probably regret it, but I just want to cuddle someone and forget about everything.
I hope this sadness is just me still recovering from the other night.